contest entry: Surface Tension by Elvis

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entry #15, Surface Tension by Elvis

synopsis: Inspired by episode #25 of Kagrra no Su.
ratings/warnings: PG-13
entered in: category 1 (open)
dartboard: yes
concrit: 2







Practice had been normal up until the end, though Saga had seemed to be in an irritable mood throughout. Thinking nothing of it, Tora had made some comment about having plans later on, and the next thing he knew, Saga stormed off in a huff, slamming the door. Tora blinked and stared at the door Saga had just exited through, a confused look on his face. "What's gotten into him?" he asked to no one in particular.


Hiroto shared a look with Nao, and edged closer to Tora reluctantly as the drummer made a 'you handle it' motion. "Tora..." he started, and then faltered, biting his lip as he fidgeted.


"What?" Tora turned to look at Hiroto, still confused. "Was it something I said?"


"Well, no, not exactly..."


"I think he's jealous!" Three sets of eyes focused on Shou, and the vocalist froze on the couch, food halfway to his mouth. "What? It's possible, you know," he mumbled, suddenly finding the food he was eating quite interesting.


Tora looked more confused than ever. "Can someone please explain to me what happened?"


"Well, I think it started when you did that date thing with Akiya..." Hiroto said slowly, glancing to Nao with a pleading look. Nao just rolled his eyes and shook his head, busying himself with his drum set.


"With Akiya?" Tora looked blank for a moment before realization dawned. "Oh. Oh. But--but that was just for show."


"We know that, Tora, but--"


"But Saga doesn't see it that way, clearly," Nao finally chimed in, punctuating his statement with a clatter as he dropped a drumstick. Muttering a curse, he bent to retrieve it and hit his head on his snare drum with another grumbled expletive.


Tora pressed his lips into a frown as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "How did I know I'd regret doing that?" he muttered with a sigh as he walked toward the couch and sat next to Shou.


"So instead of telling you like any normal person, he expected you to just know how he felt," Nao said, rubbing his head as he emerged from beneath his drum set.


Tora eyed Nao with a raised eyebrow as he slouched, stretching his legs out in front of him. "Oh, really?"


"Maybe he's just tired?" Hiroto asked quietly, studying the floor as he shrugged with a jerky movement.


"Saga never glared at me for goofing off with you, Pon," Tora said with a small smirk.


"Yeah, well, that's just different," Hiroto mumbled, turning away abruptly to hide his sudden blush.


"Different how? We get just as suggestive, if not more--"


"I dunno, it just is! Different, I mean," Hiroto said, flailing his arms as he pretended to fuss with his equipment.


"Nao, you know Saga pretty well--" Shou started, his tone playful.


"We're just friends, Shou," Nao cut him off with a pointed look.


"Right, and you're a better liar than Hiropon," Shou said with a grin.


"I'm not lying!" Hiroto protested, and then glared at Shou as the vocalist cracked up laughing. "Stop tricking me, jerk."


Tora struggled to keep a straight face, but a chuckle escaped anyway. "What aren't you lying about, Pon?"


Hiroto turned his glare on Tora and added a pout for effect. "Well, unlike Saga, I don't expect anything!" he said, and then blushed beet red.


"Oh, Tora, you're holding out on us!" Shou snickered, poking the guitarist in the arm playfully.


"Since none of you are going after Saga, I suppose I will," Nao said with another roll of his eyes as he headed for the studio door to follow the bassist.


"Good luck!" Shou said with a grin.


"This is hardly the way I expected to discover two bandmates have a crush on me," Tora grumbled, and then gestured emphatically, nearly smacking Shou with one arm. "I'm straight! You all know that, or I thought you did."


"I do not have a crush on you!" Hiroto protested, though every possible physical cue in his stance said otherwise. He really hated being a terrible liar.


"Pon, even I noticed before now, but... well, I figured you and Shou--"


"Hah, right. That is just fanservice, Tora," Shou pronounced, poking Tora again.


"I'm going, to--to get, uh, a drink," Hiroto said with a scowl, fumbling a bit as he hurried out.


"Good job there, Shou. At least it wasn't me this time."


"Aww, hell." Finishing his food, Shou set it aside with a sigh and slouched, mirroring Tora.


"I thought Saga and Nao were... you know."


"Hell if I know," Shou said with a shrug, eyeing Tora. "I thought so, but lately..." He shrugged again. "Maybe they had an argument?"


"If Saga's mad at me about fanservice, he's gonna have to just deal, because that's all it was."


"Well, you've never really done fanservice with any of us before... except Hiroto, but--"


"Even that doesn't really count... does it?"


"You did go on a date with Akiya, and to an amusement park, no less. I dunno if any of us would be that obvious in public."


"But it was on camera, so naturally it was going to be pretty blatant. I mean, it was all scripted beforehand and intentional."


"Yes, but--"


"It's not like we kissed or snuggled."


"Well, no, but the pictures..."


"So? We followed the instructions we were given, that's all."


"Would you be comfortable doing that sort of thing with Hiropon, or one of us, on camera?"


Tora paused and blinked, and then sighed as he rubbed his eyes. "Point taken. So what should I do, apologize? I didn't even know, and even if I did, it wouldn't have changed anything."


"He'll get over it, I'm sure," Shou said, slapping Tora's shoulder lightly. "And if not, he and Hiropon can bitch about you over ice cream or something," Shou said with a snicker as he playfully jumped up and darted out of range before the guitarist could retaliate.


"Gee, thanks," Tora muttered with a mock scowl, crossing his arms over his chest.


"You calling me girly, Shou?"


Shou started and turned to find Saga in the doorway, leaning on the frame in a pose that would have been nonchalant if not for the scowl on the bassist's face. "Er, no, not seriously..."


"Tora and I need to talk," Saga said flatly, stepping into the room.


"And that'd be my cue to leave, right. Okay, see ya both around then," Shou said as he edged around Saga. Picking up his bag, he shouldered it and gave the other two a wave as he headed out. "Don't kill him, Saga, unless you wanna find us a new guitarist!"


Saga rolled his eyes and shut the door firmly after the vocalist, then fixed his glare onto Tora who was looking rather nervous by then.


"Look, Saga, if it's about Akiya--"


"It's not what you think," Saga snapped, crossing his arms as he leaned against the closed door.


"I didn't mean to make you--it isn't?" Tora blinked, caught off guard and just managing to save himself before blurting out what he'd been in the process of saying.


"No, and I'm not jealous," Saga said with a snort.


"Then why are you mad at me?"


In answer, Saga reached into his pocket, took out his phone and flipped it open, then fiddled with it for a few moments. Once he'd found what he was looking for, he walked over and presented the screen to Tora. "This look familiar to you?" he asked casually, a small smirk playing on his lips.


Tora peered at the picture, squinted, and then blinked, eyes widening. "You were stalking me?"


"No, but I happened to be at the same club, and saw you two walk in."


"So you saw--"


"Yep." Saga flipped to another picture, and then scrolled through a half dozen more, still holding the phone for Tora to see.


"But if you're not jealous, why is it any of your business?" Tora asked, pushing Saga's hand away and giving the bassist an irritated glare.


"Maybe because you're in denial if you keep telling us you're straight, and you're hurting Hiropon," Saga said through clenched teeth as he snapped his phone shut and pocketed it again.


"Well, I figured out the last part while you were off sulking, or whatever you were doing," Tora muttered, leaning back and crossing his arms. "Still, it's not any of your business who I go out with."


"You're leading Hiroto on and you know it, and you're lying to all of us as well." Saga mimicked Tora's pose and expression.


"Well gee, I didn't know I was supposed to make an announcement about it," Tora said dryly, though he scowled up at Saga. "I'm not leading Pon on, he knows I don't feel that way about him. And what you saw was me and Akiya getting way too drunk together--"


"But you just said you were seeing him."


"I didn't--that's not what I meant--"


"Oh, please, Tora. Quit lying about it. It's not like we're going to care if you're bisexual, or even gay. The point is don't pretend to be straight to us when you're not. The fans will believe whatever they want anyway, but don't lie to your friends."


Tora sighed, sagging down a few more inches into the couch. "Look, fine, so maybe I am sorta bi... but that night, we just got a bit too drunk, okay? Nothing happened after, and if you must know, nothing's happened since, either."


Saga just raised an eyebrow at the guitarist, his expression clearly disbelieving. "So if I call Akiya, he'll back you up on that?"


Tora shifted uncomfortably. "It's really none of your business, Saga. I don't go prying into your life like this, so I don't see why I'm being interrogated here."


"I don't lie and make a big fuss about being straight, Tora. Nor do I mess around with my band mate and then go make out with Akiya in some club--"


"So now I'm to blame because Pon and I are close friends, and he wanted more than I can give?"


Saga sighed, shifting on his feet. "The point is, you're hurting Hiroto's feelings by doing what you're doing, Tora. And if I didn't decide to talk to you about it, Nao would have eventually."


"You're lecturing me on my private life, not talking. There's a difference."


"Your private life could affect the band in this case, so yes, it is my business. It's Nao's business, and Shou's too."


"If I'm hurting his feelings, why doesn't he talk to me? And if it hasn't affected the band before now, nothing's changed to make it affect things now," Tora said stubbornly, glowering up at Saga. "From what I saw, Pon was more hurt by Shou saying the antics onstage were just fanservice than by anything I did or didn't do."


Saga faltered at that, but seemed to shake himself and regain his lecturing manner from before. "Look, all of us get to hear too many details about what goes on between you two, and what doesn't for that matter."


Tora sighed, rubbing his face as he sat up a bit. "When you left in a huff, even Pon was saying it was because of Akiya, and Nao seemed sure it was because you... well, now I'm just confused about everything," he said with a frown.


"Don't flatter yourself, Tora. If I wanted in your pants, I'd have just borrowed a pair." Saga snorted, rolling his eyes as he turned away with a shake of his head.


"Fine, whatever. I'll talk to Pon later if that'll get you off my back about it, though I think you're making a big deal out of nothing."


Saga turned around to reply, but at that moment Hiroto opened the door to peek inside, and his expression clearly said he was surprised to find the other two still in the room. "What, did you think you'd find us screwing like rabbits by now?" Saga asked with a raised eyebrow, arms crossed over his chest.


"I... uh, well, no," Hiroto stammered, blinking as he opened the door wider and just stood there looking flustered. "I just thought you--well, um, never mind. I'll see you later, I guess." Retreating hurriedly, Hiroto all but fled back down the hall.


"See? That hardly looked like jealousy to me," Tora said with a hint of smugness.


Saga frowned at the closed door for a long moment before he turned back to Tora. "Just be honest with us. If you're dating Akiya, don't hide it. We're not gonna judge you, just don't lie, okay?"


"Okay, fine, you win. I'll be sure to update all of you on my private life from now on. Happy now?" Tora scowled and stood to his full height, topping Saga by a couple inches.


"Good," Saga snapped, stepping back and turning away to gather his equipment.


With a quiet sigh, Tora finished packing up and hefted his bags. He let Saga exit before him, and waited a few minutes before heading out himself. He'd barely arrived home some time later when his cell phone rang, and he fished it out of his coat pocket. Setting down his bag, he shut the door and smiled at the number before raising the phone to his ear.


"Hey, Akiya."


"Hey, you still wanna go see that movie?"


"Sure, meet you there. I just got in."


"Okay, sounds good." There was a pause and muffled background noise, and a click of a door closing, cutting off the sound. "Um, just one thing... remember that night at the club?"


Tora's stomach flip-flopped and he swallowed before answering. "Yeah... what about it?"


"Did you--I mean, well, I guess it's better if we talk in person, but... uh, I guess it's a good sign you haven't ignored me, right?"


Tora forced a laugh, releasing the breath he'd been unconsciously holding. "Well, to be honest, I wasn't as drunk as you were that night."


"Oh?" Akiya laughed after a brief pause. "Well, that's good, I think--"


"Listen, we can get some coffee at that café near the theater, and talk a bit. I have a sort of confession to make."


"Uh oh, should I be worried?" Akiya laughed again, the sound a bit nervous.


"No, I don't think so," Tora said with a chuckle. "I don't think it'll surprise you at all, but we'll see how it works out."


"Okay then, see you soon."


"Yeah, I'll be there in... say, half an hour?"


"Right, see ya."


"Bye."

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~ Mechanics and style ~~ 26/35 - nothing sparkling, but no eyesores
Dart 2 (Red) ~~ Storytelling and effectiveness ~~ 15/35 - see below
Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~ Characterization and dialogue ~~ 15/30 - see below
Bonus ~~ -12 It was, well, not very interesting. ^^;;

(Written as I went through:)
The way it opens is like the reader's being pushed inside a fic already in progress somewhere else... it just pops in at this apparently random point of the band's day, sounding like the opening of part 2 or 3, say, of a longer fic.

Hmmmmm, okay, we're kind of going backward through the way things happened, aren't we? I see now.

Oooh, Tora and Akiya making out!! *perks up*

...*scratches head* Okay, so... Tora/Akiya overall? In the end? Am I missing something here...

So we've skimmed through all this dialogue with the whole band, and then mostly Saga talking to Tora for a long time, with Hiroto poking his head in here and there, I vaguely seem to recall seeing his name anyway, and... what happened? Hmmm, did I miss something? I wouldn't be surprised, with how quickly I was flying over it, but... hmm. I guess I just don't see what the purpose of this fic was supposed to be? ^^;;

[(Anonymous)]

Uh, yeah, you did. ^^;;; If you just skim it, you'll miss a lot. But apparently you're not the only one, so I'll revise this quite a bit in the next draft. Aheh, I hate deadlines. It wasn't supposed to be clear what was going on -- I tried to show that Saga was thinking one thing, Tora another, and the others either staying out of it, or also getting the wrong impression. Ah well, back to revising. ^^; Thanks for reviewing.

[(Anonymous)]

I'm afraid that if I had read it more closely, I might have quit entirely. ^^;; I'm sorry, but the dialogue wasn't interesting, the actions weren't interesting, and so there was nothing to hold my attention and motivate me to continue reading. If you tighten it up to about half the length, and/or give the dialogue a good shot of wit, then it could be good, or at least not dull.

[(Anonymous)]

If it was so dull to you, you didn't need to review. :/ In any case, I'll do my best to make it "interesting" in the next draft, though I suppose people will read it just for the eventual pairing more than the rest.

[(Anonymous)]

I had forgotten that the concrit level was 2. >.<;; I apologize, no insult was intended but I get the feeling it was received. I'm sure it will be fine when you've had more time to spend on it.

[(Anonymous)]

It's okay. ^^; It's useful to know that some people completely missed the underlying things in the fic, and I'll work on that. The one thing that kinda bothered me was that you said you just skimmed it because it was so boring to you. :/ But I'd rather know what really didn't work in the fic than just get praise, so I appreciate your opinions. ^^;

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~ worth up to 35 points.
Mechanics and style. 32

Nice. A smooth, easy read. Nothing awkward at all, considering there's so much conversation. I liked it.

Dart 2 (Red) ~~ worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness. 30

I like it very much! It's a subtle plot, full of red herrings for the reader. It was fun to go down all those dead ends and continually be surprised. Given that the point of contention in this fic is Tora being not-so-straight, I'm fond of it -- it's not wangsty at all. That's refreshing.
Plus points for what Saga's really concerned about and Hiropon not wangsting over rejection, etc. *grins*

Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~ worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable. 26

Characterization was done deftly. I didn't read very closely, yet I could still tell who was doing what and saying what even when the entire band had a very lively interaction.

I love all the cute lines in this, they make me snicker out loud. Some of them are a little cliche, like "Don't kill him, Saga, unless you wanna find us a new guitarist!", but what's dialogue without a little cliche?
The point I think is that they were all used appropriately and at the right time which made for a fun read.

Personal Board: +10

[(Anonymous)]

Yay, you got it! 8D; Clearly, I have to add more detail though since not everyone is quite so observant, heh. ♥ Funny how I can write subtle in fics, but I'm so very unsubtle IRL. >_>; Like a brick to the face, or so I'm told. XD Ahem.

This will be revised and will probably become another multi-part, since I've wanted to write a Tora/Akiya since I saw that KnS episode. :D

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~worth up to 35 points
Mechanics and Style 25

Practice had been normal up until the end, though Saga had seemed to be in an irritable mood throughout. Thinking nothing of it, Tora had made some comment about having plans later on, and the next thing he knew, Saga stormed off in a huff, slamming the door. Tora blinked and stared at the door Saga had just exited through, a confused look on his face. "What's gotten into him?" he asked to no one in particular.

The quoted above is all back story, pretty much, leading into mostly dialogue from here on out, and makes this fic sound like it was a small piece pulled from a much larger one, like all of us are just now stumbling across a chapter, not having read any of the previous parts.
The rest was fine, considering there was so much dialogue and not much action.
No grammar or spelling errors that I noticed.

Dart 2 (Red) ~~worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness 20

If the point was for Saga to be upset about what Akiya was doing, leading poor Hiroto on in some way, it would have been better explained in the beginning, or at least shown a little. The overall leads the reader to believe that everyone is confused and that no one really knows anything about the other. Hiroto is a ball of nervousness, though we have no idea why, and Saga, who thinks he knows, is left confused as well. It makes for that whole exchange until you get to the Akiya phone call kind of... unsatisfying. We got the idea... sort of. If the characters are still confused, how can we be expected to sort it all out?

Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable 15

Characterization is a highly subjectable thing, but most people have a general understanding of certain people, according to the public image they portray and what little of their private lives they are willing to share. Saying that, I really can't say that the characterization was off necessarily, just that it seemed... overdone. Blown up. Hiroto can be fidgety, yes, but damn, he'd either had way too much coffee or not enough. And shy? O.o hhmmm... He's such a powerhouse of energy and testosterone stuffed into that little body! Not that he's always hyper, but still... Nao seemed quite clumsy, though I'm not sure where that came from. Saga was being quite over-dramatic and nosy, and Tora... clueless like WOAH. Though, really, I'm still confused as to whether he was supposed to be clueless because, was Hiroto really jealous over him and Akiya?? Or... what? There just didn't seem to be much point in his actions.

Bonus
-4 for actions that seem a little too out of character
+1 for AkiyaxTora
-8 for confusion on all parts.

Overall, I'm not sure what the whole point was to the fic. It seems that Tora and Akiya are kinds/sorta together in the end, though really more as 'close friends' edging maybe toward something more.

[(Anonymous)]

This was a draft that I rushed to complete for the deadline. ^^; I'll be revising it before posting it elsewhere. Though a few readers (not just the previous reviewer) got the subtleties in the interactions, it seems like I lost a few others with it. I'll add more detail and stuff in the next draft, keeping in mind some people overlook stuff.

As with my other alice nine. fics and drafts I haven't finished, I can't seem to write oneshots with them. >_>; This will be part of a longer fic, but at the time of writing it, it was the only idea I had come up with, so I hurried to finish it at the last minute, quite literally. e.e;

The point was that things aren't clear cut, and that no one was really sure of what was going on, or how each other felt. ^^;; There's even a reason for Hiroto to be so flustered, but I will tone him down a bit since he did seem too flighty for me. Thanks for the suggestions. ^_^;

[(Anonymous)]

Trust me, I can understand about rushing to meet deadlines. Nothing like putting it off until the last day and throwing something together in the span of, say, a lunch break? *dies*

I'll add more detail and stuff in the next draft, keeping in mind some people overlook stuff.

It wasn't exactly 'subtleties' that were lost, there just wasn't anything to draw it together aside from the bare bones minimum. I didn't overlook anything. You can clearly see where one character assumes one thing, then the others bring something up and the waters become more muddied, but still. It just seemed like all the characters were confused in general, not in a good way, and that didn't make it a very interesting read. This is, as you know, easy to correct, and I'm sure you're already working on it.

I can see where you were going with this fic, and I'm sure after you've had time to revise this piece it will come across better, but as it is now, just one small fic in the Open category, it doesn't work as well as it could. It's fine. No more, no less. *shrugs* However, I will definitely keep my eyes out for the final product.

[(Anonymous)]

Ah, yeah, I get what you mean. e.e; I sometimes lose myself when writing as fast as I can before I lose the idea entirely. I actually added most of the first paragraph after I'd mostly finished the fic, because I belatedly realized I started in the middle of the scene, as you said. And then I added the Tora/Akiya bit to the end, and wanted to add more, but I was already cutting it close to the deadline. ^^;;

About the characterization, I almost didn't send this fic in at all, because of the overdone bits you pointed out, but I really wanted in on this contest. XD D'oh. I'll fix it though, somehow. >_>; My a9 muses don't seem to like me much, but I keep trying because I'm stubborn like that. 8D;

[(Anonymous)]

I tend to write that way too, in bits and pieces, and then end up splicing them together eventually. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But I'm sure you'll do fine once you have a little more time. Believe me, I'm not saying what I ended up posting was any better. #.# I'm actually revising a fic right now @.@

Don't let the muses get you down! Mine are fickle, but tend to come around eventually. I have a multi-chapter fic in the works that kind of follows Akiya and Tora through that KnS episode. Which means, having to watch the ep over and over and over ^_^;;

[(Anonymous)]

I actually overlook details while writing most of the time, and add them in after I finish getting the scene out. ^^;; It really shows sometimes, too, much to my chagrin. If I actually started this sooner, I'd have had the time to make it much better. x.x; But my muses love to bite me only when I'm sleep-deprived, or at the last minute of a contest. ._. Damn evil things.

Hahaha, as if watching that repeatedly is a bad thing. XD They're so cute together. *_*; I wish someone had a proper translation of it, but I've only found a partial one. I'll pester my friend to help, since she's good at translating videos. I can catch parts, but miss stuff when they speak fast. u.u;

I'll keep my eye out for your fic -- I love Tora/Akiya, and considering that episode, I'm surprised there isn't more fic of the pairing. XD Seems we have a similar idea, but hopefully not too alike. I plan to focus this fic more on the developing pairing plus band interactions from both sides.

[(Anonymous)]

My fic version isn't really anything like yours, aside from the pairing. It's really only going through that day of filming, the interaction and behind the scenes stuff between Akiya and Tora XD Doesn't have much to do with any other the other members of Kagrra, or Alice Nine.

Some fics I try to get out on paper as fast as possible, usually in one giant paragraph spanning several pages >.>; Then I add everything I need to as I flesh it out. Other times I can just start writing and it generally doesn't stray too far from my original idea. I can generally write something most any time, and a good thing because I'm usually writing several things at the same time.

[(Anonymous)]

Oh good, that's a relief. 8D; Sounds interesting though, and I'd love to read it.

I'm actually working on another multi-part fic now, so I may put this one aside for a while, or at least until I finish the next chapter of the other fic ... which I've been putting off for over a week now. ^^;; Ack. I also write several fics at once, but the down side for me is that chapters take even longer depending on which muses are more active. If I didn't suck at oneshots, I'd write more ficlets, but whenever I try to write a short, self-contained scene, it inevitably ends up being more than I'd planned. e.e;

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1/Blue: 27/35
Mechanics and Style: Mostly fine. There`s some redundancy, and a tendency for the non-dialogue to be too expository.

Hiroto mumbled, turning away abruptly to hide his sudden blush.
"Abruptly" and "sudden" together makes the sentence seem neither.

Hiroto protested, though every possible physical cue in his stance said otherwise. He really hated being a terrible liar.
Elaborating on those physical cues would be more effective. Do his fingers twitch, is he avoiding eye contact, etc.


Dart 2/Red: 20/35
Storytelling and Effectiveness: I wanted to make these comments together with the next section.


Dart 3/Yellow: 20/30
Characterization and Dialogue: The dialogue has decent flow. Characterization is okay, but I`m not sure I buy Aki making out with someone in a public bar, no matter how drunk he is. Highly subjective, but especially given how tentative he is to actually tell Tora what the hell`s going on in episode 25, it doesn`t quite fit. He only tells Tora at the very end that "this was supposed to be like `Honey Coming[, an insanely popular dating show].`" It`s obvious that it`s a date pretty much from the beginning, and just as obvious that it follows the hanikami style, but he only states it at the end.


In this fic, a lot of conflict is set up - Saga`s anger, Hiroto`s attachment, Tora`s denial - that fizzes out with no tension. Saga seems to be angry that Hiroto`s getting hurt by Tora, but Hiroto deals no problem. That`s nice, but the lack of actual tension makes Saga seem whiny instead of justifiably annoyed.

Tora, although the focus of the fic, turns out the least defined. He`s presented as being in denial, but there`s no indication of why. If he`s not yet comfortable with the designation himself, why is he more upset by the thought of Saga following him than by the photo evidence of himself in a compromising situation that contradicts his conception of self? If he thinks Saga and Nao are having some kind of sexual relationship, and that Shou and Hiroto`s fanservice is more than show, why would he have any reservations about coming out to the band? Clarifying why Tora is "hiding" would establish if his own tension is internal or external, and help the overall atmosphere of the fic.


I think the main problem with this fic is the title.　"Surface tension" is what keeps (liquid) things clinging together up until the absolute limit - there`s a lot of intensity in the idea that just isn`t followed through in the body of the fic. To, um, pun? it a bit, yes, the interaction seems to follow more of an idea of tension on the surface, ie. shallow or artificial, but in this case, the title sets up false expectations, which may be why some readers find the fic unfulfilling and uninteresting. The weakness of the introduction also leaves it unclear which reading was intended to guide the fic. Building up the intro will be a better guide for the reader than just the title.

Bonus: +1 for cuteness of bitchy!icecreameating!Saga image.

If this isn`t in line with a concrit level of "2," then, err, oops? My only intent is to give you something you can use!

[(Anonymous)]

Erk, thanks for pointing those areas out. e.e; Yeah, I'm gonna completely overhaul this fic before I repost it anywhere. I have a hard time writing a9, but I keep trying anyway. >_>; I've also recently seen some very suggestive almost-fanservice moments between Tora and the others, so I'm really going to have to work on a reason for him to be closeted in this fic, given that lately he seems more than comfy being touchy-feely with the others. XD D'oh.