contest entry: Celebration by Rasputin
Jan. 11th, 2007 05:50 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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last_pleasureentry #12, Celebration by Rasputin
synopsis: Kra goes major and Keiyuu decides they should celebrate.
ratings/warnings: R
entered in: category 1 & 2
this entry uses prompt 6: Choose one or more scenes/situations from X's Weekend PV to apply to anyone you'd like.
dartboard: yes
concrit: 3
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"-so I booked us a suite at the Hyatt-"
"Why do we need a hotel room?"
Yasuno could imagine the exasperated roll of Keiyuu's eyes as he huffed into the phone.
"We’re a real band now and we need to celebrate!" he exclaimed, as if it had been obvious from the start.
"Keiyuu, in case you haven't noticed, we've been a real band for a while now."
"But now we're going major! It's so exciting! Anyway, can you meet us in Shinjuku in, say, an hour?"
Yasuno sighed, knowing that he was supposed to be heading somewhere else pretty soon, but found himself agreeing anyway.
"Do you want me to pick up anything to drink on my way?"
"No," the younger man chirped, "Yuura and I have it covered!"
Yasuno chuckled as he hung up, then pursed his lips, staring at the phone. As much as he was dreading it, he had to tell her, once again, that he could not make their dinner date. She would be upset, like she always was when he was a bad boyfriend, but she would get over it, again, like she always did. To his surprise, the conversation went better than he had hoped and within minutes he was out the door, on his way to a little party in Shinjuku.
-------------
"-and this chick's sooooo trying to get Keiyuu's attention, all flirty and shit," Yuura giggled, face flushed from way too many chuu-his, "but he doesn't get it! He just keeps playin' his little game, mindin' his own business."
"It was a difa..diffi... It was hard!" Keiyuu insisted, hs mouth finding it difficult to form proper words. He took another swig of his tall grape chuu-hi. "I hated that Boss..." He started to take another drink, then frowned, eyes staring blankly into an empty can.
"It's gone."
Yasuno rolled his eyes and plucked the can from his hand, stacking it atop the pyramid of others Mai had been quietly forming over the past hour and a half.
"I wanna 'nother," Keiyuu mumbled, lower lip stuck in a pout. He turned to the side and began crawling over the man sitting next to him, who happened to be Yuura, in an attempt at getting to the cooler on the floor.
"Ack, wait!" Yuura squawked, but it was too late. Keiyuu knocked into the can Yuura had been holding loosely balanced on his leg, spilling its sugary contents all over him.
"Sorry!" Keiyuu cried and half turned, half fell in Yuura's lap and right over the edge of the couch, his legs hitting the coffee table on his way down to a thud on the floor. A cascade of empty chuu-hi cans rained upon him, Mai's work tumbling all over the floor.
"Good job, Keiyuu," Yuura growled, fingers picking at his stained shirt and pants, though he couldn't help the grin forming on his face," just trash the whole room, why don't you."
Keiyuu pulled his knees up under his chin, rocking to his side as he giggled madly.
"Then we'd be like real rockstars!" he exclaimed during gasps for breath, "just like X!"
A slow grin spread across Yasuno's face, a look that worried Mai, though he really wasn't too sure why. After all, as silly as Yasuno was, he was the adult here, the calm, collected one to balance out Keiyuu and Yuura's silliness.
"What is it?" Mai asked, though it seemed as if the other had not heard him. He watched warily as Yasuno stood, swaying a bit on his feet, and waded through the sea of cans, kicking them this way and that, finally making his way across the large room to a small table by the wall. His smile widened to a gleeful grin as he drew back his arm and with one swipe, sent the expensive-looking silver candlesticks and picture frame across the room.
Yuura and Keiyuu's heads snapped up as the candlesticks hit the opposite wall with a dull thud.
"Yasuno, what-?!?" Yuura cried, eyes nearly bulging out of his head in shock.
"Didn't you guys say we were a real band now, real rockstars?" Yasuno picked up a small but elaborate crystal vase, testing the weight in his hands. "And what are real rockstars most infamous for?"
Keiyuu sat up, face brightening. "Trashin' hotel rooms!"
"That's right!" Yasuno said and hurled the vase across the room, the crystal shattering into a million pieces. With a triumphant grin, he turned back to the others, almost losing his balance as he tripped over his own feet. "So," he said, grabbing one corner of a scroll-carved wood cabinet to steady himself, "what are you waiting for?"
Yuura and Keiyuu exchanged an astonished look, then scrambled to their feet as fast as their drunken selves could go, which wasn't saying much, considering. Nonetheless, Mai watched as his three bandmates ran around the room, flailing and tripping, grabbing everything imaginable to break and smash, all the while laughing and giggling like children let loose in a toy store. He tried his best to disappear into the couch, his equally muddled mind slowly trying to calculate just how much all this was going to cost him, sipping his third tall strawberry chuu-hi of the night.
Yuura picked up a small lamp, the silly tassels hanging from the shade bringing a fit of giggles to his lips, as he chucked it across the room, smashing it against a floor-length mirror set into the wall beside the open bedroom door. The reflective panel shattered, sending shards of sharp glass to litter the floor like giant raindrops. Yuura took a step toward it and slipped, landing heavily upon the glass. With a mumbled curse, he sat up, eyes catching sight of himself in the remaining pieces of glass still wedged in the frame.
"Hey'ura, yous'ok?" Keiyuu slurred from across the room, stumbling as he made his way over to his friend struggling to his feet. But Yuura was lost, his gaze fixed on the images swirling in front of him.
"'m fine," he murmured, one hand coming up to touch his own reflection.
"No, you'rrrre... not," Keiyuu said, moving around to block his friend's view of the mirror and grabbing his outstretched arm. Yuura looked down, surprised to see a long red cut across his wrist, just barely bleeding.
"It's okay," he mumbled, pulling his arm from Keiyuu's loose grasp and pressing it against his stomach. "Just a scratch."
Keiyuu looked doubtful, his fuzzy eyes blinking several times. "You're ruinin' yer shirt," he said, for some reason giggling again. Yuura looked down, and indeed he was, small spots of blood mingling with the light purple chuu-hi stains. "Take it off."
Yuura didn't have time to think before Keiyuu was tugging at the hem of his damp t-shirt. He lifted his arms and off it went, tossed aside.
"There," Keiyuu murmured, face turning thoughtful as one hand reached out, fingertips barely brushing against Yuura's smooth, lean chest, "much better."
Yuura snorted. "You just wanted to see me naked."
Keiyuu looked up, an impish smile on his lips. "You're not naked yet." He licked his lips, pink tongue darting out a moment before biting on his lip.
"If I have to take off my shirt, then so do you!" Yuura insisted. "It's only fair."
Keiyuu seemed to think about this a moment, then pulled off his shirt. "There, better?" He ran a hand down his own chest, fingers hooking in the waist of his loose jeans.
For an answer, Yuura closed the distance between them, pushing Keiyuu against the door frame of the bedroom next to them. Keiyuu gasped as Yuura's mouth attacked his, sloppy kisses running across his lips and down his neck, hands and mouth tasting every inch of exposed skin.
Yasuno turned his head at the unexpected sound, feet faltering as he watched his two half naked bandmates grope each other beside a broken mirror.
"What the hell?!" he murmured, eyes transfixed as Yuura lifted Keiyuu up, the smaller man wrapping his legs around Yuura's narrow waist as he ground his body against him. "Yuura! Keiyuu!"
"Can't talk now," Yuura called over his shoulder as Keiyuu moaned into his neck, "busy."
Wide-eyed, Yasuno watched Yuura heave the young man more securely into his arms, walking with great difficulty to the bed inside the darkened room. He felt a stirring in his own groin as his mind gave him pictures of what would follow and he turned away, guilt pushing through his muddled mind. He spotted Mai, still curled up on the couch, muttering nonsensical things to no one in particular. Yasuno stumbled his way across the room, catching himself on the arm of the couch.
"We should go," he said, hauling Mai out of his comfortable seat.
"But-?" Mai stammered, dropping his half-full chuu-hi. He looked around the room, as if suddenly awake. "Where'd Keiyuu and Yuura go?"
Uninhibited moans and the squeak of bedsprings, the headboard bouncing noisily off the wall, drifted toward them as Yasuno grinned sheepishly and pulled the blond toward the door. "Somethin' they may or may not regret in the morning," Yasuno said as they tumbled out into the hallway. He leaned against the door, eyes drifting closed a moment before speaking again.
"I'm in no con.. condis...." Yasuno shook his head to clear his mind. "I can't drive, but I'll call a cab for you if you want."
Mai seemed to think a moment, then shook his head. "I'll just wait a bit in the hotel bar."
Yasuno shrugged and together they made it to the elevator, walking around helping to sober them up somewhat, or at least their concentration enough to make them believe so. They rode down to the ground floor in silence, each lost in his own thoughts. When the door rolled back, Mai bade him farewell, heading in the direction of the mostly empty bar. Yasuno stared after him for a moment, then pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed for a cab as he walked outside. After a few minutes, he dialed another number, the woman answering after several rings.
"Did I wake you?" he asked, trying to keep the slur out of his speech.
"Are you drunk?" she shot back, obviously annoyed.
Yasuno sighed, huddling against the hotel wall, having forgotten his jacket in his haste to leave the room.
"I'm sorry for calling off our, uh, our..." he paused, "date! But you know how Keiyuu is-"
"Oh, knock it off, Yasuno," the woman on the other end spat out. "I've had it with you. We never go out, never have any fun. You're always doing something with that stupid little band of yours, and I'm sick of playing second fiddle to your friends.” She paused, a resigned sound in her voice. “You know, all my friends said you were gay, that I was a fool to go out with you, but I thought they were wrong. Now I just don’t know what to think anymore, and I've had it. Goodbye!"
Yasuno stared down at the phone in his hand, now only the low hum of a dial tone there to comfort him. He tried to focus enough to process all his ex-girlfriend had just said, but it was too much. With a weary sigh he pocketed his phone, just in time for the cab to pull up in front of him. After a small amount of difficulty opening the door, he crawled inside, collapsing in the plush back seat. He mumbled directions without really thinking and the cab sped off, carrying him swiftly in the opposite direction he'd originally intended when placing the call. Within 10 minutes, in which he nearly fell asleep, the cab deposited him at the footsteps of a tiny townhouse that was an exact copy of those around it. After a moment of confusion, he knew where he was, and whose doorstep he'd somehow landed himself upon. Perhaps it was for the better, or at least he tried to tell himself this as he mounted the steps, leaning heavily on the bell. Several minutes went by before the porch light came on and the door was pulled open, dark fingernails drumming lightly on the doorframe, an amused smirk on the face in the shadows.
Yasuno straighten and took a step closer, his face solemn.
"Can I come in, Miyavi?"
-------------
Another tumbler of amber liquid plunked down beside his hand to replace the countless empty ones surrounding him. Mai reached for it, hands unsteady as he slowly brought it to his lips. His taste buds had gone numb long before and he took a huge gulp of the whiskey without so much as a grimace. As the alcohol swirled in his stomach, his muddled brain finally gave out. With a quiet sigh, he slumped forward into sleep, forehead resting on his arm.
-------------
Yuura woke from a light doze to small fingers caressing the hollow of his hip. He cracked open one eye, the moonlight coming through the open door just enough to see Keiyuu staring up at him, face still flushed, a content smile on his lips.
"Some weekend, huh?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
synopsis: Kra goes major and Keiyuu decides they should celebrate.
ratings/warnings: R
entered in: category 1 & 2
this entry uses prompt 6: Choose one or more scenes/situations from X's Weekend PV to apply to anyone you'd like.
dartboard: yes
concrit: 3
"-so I booked us a suite at the Hyatt-"
"Why do we need a hotel room?"
Yasuno could imagine the exasperated roll of Keiyuu's eyes as he huffed into the phone.
"We’re a real band now and we need to celebrate!" he exclaimed, as if it had been obvious from the start.
"Keiyuu, in case you haven't noticed, we've been a real band for a while now."
"But now we're going major! It's so exciting! Anyway, can you meet us in Shinjuku in, say, an hour?"
Yasuno sighed, knowing that he was supposed to be heading somewhere else pretty soon, but found himself agreeing anyway.
"Do you want me to pick up anything to drink on my way?"
"No," the younger man chirped, "Yuura and I have it covered!"
Yasuno chuckled as he hung up, then pursed his lips, staring at the phone. As much as he was dreading it, he had to tell her, once again, that he could not make their dinner date. She would be upset, like she always was when he was a bad boyfriend, but she would get over it, again, like she always did. To his surprise, the conversation went better than he had hoped and within minutes he was out the door, on his way to a little party in Shinjuku.
-------------
"-and this chick's sooooo trying to get Keiyuu's attention, all flirty and shit," Yuura giggled, face flushed from way too many chuu-his, "but he doesn't get it! He just keeps playin' his little game, mindin' his own business."
"It was a difa..diffi... It was hard!" Keiyuu insisted, hs mouth finding it difficult to form proper words. He took another swig of his tall grape chuu-hi. "I hated that Boss..." He started to take another drink, then frowned, eyes staring blankly into an empty can.
"It's gone."
Yasuno rolled his eyes and plucked the can from his hand, stacking it atop the pyramid of others Mai had been quietly forming over the past hour and a half.
"I wanna 'nother," Keiyuu mumbled, lower lip stuck in a pout. He turned to the side and began crawling over the man sitting next to him, who happened to be Yuura, in an attempt at getting to the cooler on the floor.
"Ack, wait!" Yuura squawked, but it was too late. Keiyuu knocked into the can Yuura had been holding loosely balanced on his leg, spilling its sugary contents all over him.
"Sorry!" Keiyuu cried and half turned, half fell in Yuura's lap and right over the edge of the couch, his legs hitting the coffee table on his way down to a thud on the floor. A cascade of empty chuu-hi cans rained upon him, Mai's work tumbling all over the floor.
"Good job, Keiyuu," Yuura growled, fingers picking at his stained shirt and pants, though he couldn't help the grin forming on his face," just trash the whole room, why don't you."
Keiyuu pulled his knees up under his chin, rocking to his side as he giggled madly.
"Then we'd be like real rockstars!" he exclaimed during gasps for breath, "just like X!"
A slow grin spread across Yasuno's face, a look that worried Mai, though he really wasn't too sure why. After all, as silly as Yasuno was, he was the adult here, the calm, collected one to balance out Keiyuu and Yuura's silliness.
"What is it?" Mai asked, though it seemed as if the other had not heard him. He watched warily as Yasuno stood, swaying a bit on his feet, and waded through the sea of cans, kicking them this way and that, finally making his way across the large room to a small table by the wall. His smile widened to a gleeful grin as he drew back his arm and with one swipe, sent the expensive-looking silver candlesticks and picture frame across the room.
Yuura and Keiyuu's heads snapped up as the candlesticks hit the opposite wall with a dull thud.
"Yasuno, what-?!?" Yuura cried, eyes nearly bulging out of his head in shock.
"Didn't you guys say we were a real band now, real rockstars?" Yasuno picked up a small but elaborate crystal vase, testing the weight in his hands. "And what are real rockstars most infamous for?"
Keiyuu sat up, face brightening. "Trashin' hotel rooms!"
"That's right!" Yasuno said and hurled the vase across the room, the crystal shattering into a million pieces. With a triumphant grin, he turned back to the others, almost losing his balance as he tripped over his own feet. "So," he said, grabbing one corner of a scroll-carved wood cabinet to steady himself, "what are you waiting for?"
Yuura and Keiyuu exchanged an astonished look, then scrambled to their feet as fast as their drunken selves could go, which wasn't saying much, considering. Nonetheless, Mai watched as his three bandmates ran around the room, flailing and tripping, grabbing everything imaginable to break and smash, all the while laughing and giggling like children let loose in a toy store. He tried his best to disappear into the couch, his equally muddled mind slowly trying to calculate just how much all this was going to cost him, sipping his third tall strawberry chuu-hi of the night.
Yuura picked up a small lamp, the silly tassels hanging from the shade bringing a fit of giggles to his lips, as he chucked it across the room, smashing it against a floor-length mirror set into the wall beside the open bedroom door. The reflective panel shattered, sending shards of sharp glass to litter the floor like giant raindrops. Yuura took a step toward it and slipped, landing heavily upon the glass. With a mumbled curse, he sat up, eyes catching sight of himself in the remaining pieces of glass still wedged in the frame.
"Hey'ura, yous'ok?" Keiyuu slurred from across the room, stumbling as he made his way over to his friend struggling to his feet. But Yuura was lost, his gaze fixed on the images swirling in front of him.
"'m fine," he murmured, one hand coming up to touch his own reflection.
"No, you'rrrre... not," Keiyuu said, moving around to block his friend's view of the mirror and grabbing his outstretched arm. Yuura looked down, surprised to see a long red cut across his wrist, just barely bleeding.
"It's okay," he mumbled, pulling his arm from Keiyuu's loose grasp and pressing it against his stomach. "Just a scratch."
Keiyuu looked doubtful, his fuzzy eyes blinking several times. "You're ruinin' yer shirt," he said, for some reason giggling again. Yuura looked down, and indeed he was, small spots of blood mingling with the light purple chuu-hi stains. "Take it off."
Yuura didn't have time to think before Keiyuu was tugging at the hem of his damp t-shirt. He lifted his arms and off it went, tossed aside.
"There," Keiyuu murmured, face turning thoughtful as one hand reached out, fingertips barely brushing against Yuura's smooth, lean chest, "much better."
Yuura snorted. "You just wanted to see me naked."
Keiyuu looked up, an impish smile on his lips. "You're not naked yet." He licked his lips, pink tongue darting out a moment before biting on his lip.
"If I have to take off my shirt, then so do you!" Yuura insisted. "It's only fair."
Keiyuu seemed to think about this a moment, then pulled off his shirt. "There, better?" He ran a hand down his own chest, fingers hooking in the waist of his loose jeans.
For an answer, Yuura closed the distance between them, pushing Keiyuu against the door frame of the bedroom next to them. Keiyuu gasped as Yuura's mouth attacked his, sloppy kisses running across his lips and down his neck, hands and mouth tasting every inch of exposed skin.
Yasuno turned his head at the unexpected sound, feet faltering as he watched his two half naked bandmates grope each other beside a broken mirror.
"What the hell?!" he murmured, eyes transfixed as Yuura lifted Keiyuu up, the smaller man wrapping his legs around Yuura's narrow waist as he ground his body against him. "Yuura! Keiyuu!"
"Can't talk now," Yuura called over his shoulder as Keiyuu moaned into his neck, "busy."
Wide-eyed, Yasuno watched Yuura heave the young man more securely into his arms, walking with great difficulty to the bed inside the darkened room. He felt a stirring in his own groin as his mind gave him pictures of what would follow and he turned away, guilt pushing through his muddled mind. He spotted Mai, still curled up on the couch, muttering nonsensical things to no one in particular. Yasuno stumbled his way across the room, catching himself on the arm of the couch.
"We should go," he said, hauling Mai out of his comfortable seat.
"But-?" Mai stammered, dropping his half-full chuu-hi. He looked around the room, as if suddenly awake. "Where'd Keiyuu and Yuura go?"
Uninhibited moans and the squeak of bedsprings, the headboard bouncing noisily off the wall, drifted toward them as Yasuno grinned sheepishly and pulled the blond toward the door. "Somethin' they may or may not regret in the morning," Yasuno said as they tumbled out into the hallway. He leaned against the door, eyes drifting closed a moment before speaking again.
"I'm in no con.. condis...." Yasuno shook his head to clear his mind. "I can't drive, but I'll call a cab for you if you want."
Mai seemed to think a moment, then shook his head. "I'll just wait a bit in the hotel bar."
Yasuno shrugged and together they made it to the elevator, walking around helping to sober them up somewhat, or at least their concentration enough to make them believe so. They rode down to the ground floor in silence, each lost in his own thoughts. When the door rolled back, Mai bade him farewell, heading in the direction of the mostly empty bar. Yasuno stared after him for a moment, then pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed for a cab as he walked outside. After a few minutes, he dialed another number, the woman answering after several rings.
"Did I wake you?" he asked, trying to keep the slur out of his speech.
"Are you drunk?" she shot back, obviously annoyed.
Yasuno sighed, huddling against the hotel wall, having forgotten his jacket in his haste to leave the room.
"I'm sorry for calling off our, uh, our..." he paused, "date! But you know how Keiyuu is-"
"Oh, knock it off, Yasuno," the woman on the other end spat out. "I've had it with you. We never go out, never have any fun. You're always doing something with that stupid little band of yours, and I'm sick of playing second fiddle to your friends.” She paused, a resigned sound in her voice. “You know, all my friends said you were gay, that I was a fool to go out with you, but I thought they were wrong. Now I just don’t know what to think anymore, and I've had it. Goodbye!"
Yasuno stared down at the phone in his hand, now only the low hum of a dial tone there to comfort him. He tried to focus enough to process all his ex-girlfriend had just said, but it was too much. With a weary sigh he pocketed his phone, just in time for the cab to pull up in front of him. After a small amount of difficulty opening the door, he crawled inside, collapsing in the plush back seat. He mumbled directions without really thinking and the cab sped off, carrying him swiftly in the opposite direction he'd originally intended when placing the call. Within 10 minutes, in which he nearly fell asleep, the cab deposited him at the footsteps of a tiny townhouse that was an exact copy of those around it. After a moment of confusion, he knew where he was, and whose doorstep he'd somehow landed himself upon. Perhaps it was for the better, or at least he tried to tell himself this as he mounted the steps, leaning heavily on the bell. Several minutes went by before the porch light came on and the door was pulled open, dark fingernails drumming lightly on the doorframe, an amused smirk on the face in the shadows.
Yasuno straighten and took a step closer, his face solemn.
"Can I come in, Miyavi?"
-------------
Another tumbler of amber liquid plunked down beside his hand to replace the countless empty ones surrounding him. Mai reached for it, hands unsteady as he slowly brought it to his lips. His taste buds had gone numb long before and he took a huge gulp of the whiskey without so much as a grimace. As the alcohol swirled in his stomach, his muddled brain finally gave out. With a quiet sigh, he slumped forward into sleep, forehead resting on his arm.
-------------
Yuura woke from a light doze to small fingers caressing the hollow of his hip. He cracked open one eye, the moonlight coming through the open door just enough to see Keiyuu staring up at him, face still flushed, a content smile on his lips.
"Some weekend, huh?"
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 01:38 pm (UTC)The thing about Yasuno and his girlfriend and a sudden, Miyavi, isn't really integrated well into the fic. I see no purpose for it being there, and Miyavi isn't explained well, either. If all that was to have been put in, it would have been nicer if there was more build-up to it. The thing is -- I thought the fic was about Kra going major and deciding they're 'real rockstars' now and celebrating.
We meet the scene, which gets going like a party, and we get into it with detailed description -- then Keiyuu and Yuura end up drunk and screwing (which is understandable and fine.) But then Yasuno gets dumped by his girlfriend, goes see Miyavi, Mai gets a depressing drunk alone-in-a-bar cameo, and then Yuura and Keiyuu wake up, all in less than the space it took for them to get to the hotel. It's somewhere in-between a fic with a plot and a vignette, but not quite either, and doesn't work.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 01:40 pm (UTC)(my bad. also, apologies for not dartboarding.)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 12:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 09:25 pm (UTC)(Not the writer, but thought I'd mention:) Some of the random action is probably because the author was trying to use the entire prompt...
Weekend PV:
hide trashes a room, smashes mirrors, stares at himself in the remaining shards, eventually collapses like a rag doll with his head all cocked over, so I dunno if he was supposed to have somehow snapped his neck, maybe with all the flailing? XD Taiji argues with his girlfriend and gets literally shot down by her (and flops around for a long time too). Yoshiki, the uberdramawhore, takes a letter opener that wouldn't even slice paper to his wrist (totally the wrong way to actually do anything, too), and eventually is staggering around holding it to his stomach with blood all down his front (and last, flops around in a small sea of red water, because, well, what's an X PV without a wet Yoshiki?). Pata spends the whole time drinking Jack Daniels, and falls out on the bar with his head on his arm; some guy comes by later and shakes him, nothing. So the only one who escapes an awful death is Toshi, who's the serious, dramatic 'narrator' standing in front of a wall that's getting splashed with red paint (even as he's standing in front of it, and it always makes me wish they'd done an outtake or something with him getting nailed with the stuff). Good times. XD Pretty awful now, pretty great in early 1990.
Miyavi, I'd guess is in there because in the PSC tour dvd, Yasuno was acting like a teenage girl with a terrible crush every time they were in the same room. There's no doubt that there should've been some sort of build-up to it in the fic, maybe the guys giving him shit about it while they were drinking, that would've been easy. I'm just mentioning it here as a "this is probably why it was there" not an "oh but this makes it work in the fic" because you're right, it is random as it's written.
I don't think that I should/could dartboard this one... The things that you talk about, I agree with, looking at each individually and trying to be objective. But when I'm actually reading it, I get so distracted by squeeing over the... well, squeeful awesomeness (to me, because I'm a crazy X and Kra fan) that is Kra doing the Weekend PV (only, you know, minus that whole dying thing...), that I don't even notice the weaknesses in it as a story.
Actually, I guess this now is my comment on the fic. XD; Yeah. Hmmmm, loved the use of the prompt. LOVED. I totally didn't expect to get any more than the hide and Yoshiki parts, so Mai taking off into the bar was like, "Huh? Okay, cool *goes back to Yasuno*" and then Yasuno gets... shot down *snicker* and, hey, random Miyavi! Well, he had to go somewhere, and I like that particular where, but it would have been an excellent idea to drop his name into things earlier and give us some basis for Yasuno going there besides if we happened to notice his behavior in PSC tour. XD It goes back to Mai and all of a sudden I catch on, and even though the poor boy's conking out on the damn bar and if I didn't know it was cause the Weekend PV's spirit came in and is possessing each one of them in sequence, it'd be a bit depressing (Maicho's a random alcoholic? He's upset over something but we dunno what it is, or he just likes to go into bars and drink til he passes out all the time?), it's so CUTE and makes me squee my fool head off, and well - ZOMG I want to be the bartender. O_O XDDD
When Keiyuu and Yuura, out of nowhere, started getting on each other, and then all of a sudden were making out, like, in broken glass, that was really random. I was thrown by that. (Especially since there was all this glass where they were sitting, and I'd think they'd get out of it before doing anything else, let alone making out and then stumbling off into the bedroom... still probably with quite a bit of glass in their clothes......) If they were together already, or at least had some kind of tension/flirting going on, then it'd work.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-14 09:26 pm (UTC)So. As an independent fic, this doesn't really work. But I'm quite certain that the author would never have written it outside of this challenge and that prompt in particular... and the original example for the prompt when it was posted forever ago in the comm, of "Kra trashes a hotel room"... so... it isn't really an independent fic, isn't meant to be. That doesn't mean that it shouldn't have to work as a story, but... yeah. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. *sighs* Just that, as far as having been written to the prompt, this did a smashing job. XD As far as an independent story, it needs some smoothing out and work. But I think posted normally, it would have an author's note saying to watch the Weekend PV first and/or an explanation of the PV. Probably alongside the prompt number here, it should've been noted that it was that prompt. :-S
no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 12:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-15 10:47 am (UTC)Mechanics and Style: Competent, but zero tolerance for typos: hs mouth finding it difficult to form proper words.
Dart 2/Red: 34/35
Storytelling and Effectiveness / How well does the fic fulfil the prompt? This was written almost too closely to the prompt, but the writing was competent, the characters dynamic enough, and the pacing fit both the prompt and the character development. The fic structure, fracturing at the end, serves to reinforce Yasuno`s development, as his tension and inhibitions are also shattered. No, the sequence of action does not stand up well outside of the prompt, but the characterization of the protagonist (Yasuno) does.
Dart 3/Yellow: 25/30
Characterization and Dialogue: The dialogue is not organic, especially the girlfriend`s tirade-by-numbers. While the drinking pushes the other three members into routine behavior patterns - drunken all-over-each-other-ness and confused depression - it is a wonderful catalyst to break Yasuno`s tension. He is so passive he is almost apathetic, until it boils over into physical action. There are both subtle and blatant suggestions of alternative sexuality throughout the fic; the thing that doesn`t make sense is the implied history with Miyavi. Yasuno could`ve turned to any anonymous male figure at the end - hey, he`s still trashed, too - and that would`ve made more sense.
Bonus:
+1 for Yuura`s nonchalant "Some weekend, huh?" adding a bit of Kra flavor.
+1 for the structure of the fic reflecting the direction of Yasuno`s development.