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last_pleasureentry #14, Hikari by Winston Churchill
synopsis: Aoi and Ruki move in to a new apartment as roommates.
ratings/warnings: NC-17
entered in: category 1 & 2
this entry uses prompt 1: "The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen
dartboard: yes
concrit: 3
The hallway was quiet as two men stood outside the door, one holding a small silver key. He slid it easily into the lock and turned, the bolt sliding back with a satisfying click. The men exchanged excited glances as they walked into their new apartment.
Ruki stretched his arms above his head, a loud yawn echoing in the empty room as Aoi moved past him to pull up the old, worn window blinds and cracking open the window. The early morning felt warm and comforting, a slight breeze swirling his fine, jet-black hair around his face as he smiled thoughtfully.
"All right," Aoi said, spinning around to face his new flatmate. "Let's get moved in."
---------------------------------------------------
Aoi heaved the last box of random pots and pans onto the counter with a heavy sigh.
"You never did tell me how you found out about this place," Ruki said as he followed him into the kitchen, an open box of foodstuffs in his arms. "I don't think I even knew this place existed before you pointed it out."
Aoi wiped the sweat from his brow with one hand, leaning over the sink to open the tiny kitchen window with the other.
"My father knows one of the tenants here. When the one of his neighbors died and the place became available, he told me."
Ruki paused, hand on the door of the refrigerator. "The previous tenant died?"
Aoi nodded, still facing away. "Yeah, he was an old, sour bachelor who died alone in his sleep."
Ruki wrinkled his nose. "That's certainly a nice thought." He shifted the box in his arms a bit and opened the fridge. "Uh, Aoi?"
The taller man turned, eying Ruki over his shoulder.
Ruki closed the door, then opened it again. "The fridge isn't working."
Aoi frowned and joined Ruki in front of the fridge, his frown only deepening as he noticed that the light was indeed not on.
"Maybe the bulb's just gone out." Aoi reached up and opened the door to the small freezer compartment above and stuck his hand inside, to feel only warmth.
"Well, this isn't good," Ruki growled.
Aoi said nothing, leaving the room to wander the small apartment, flipping switches in every room. A few minutes later he returned to the kitchen. "Nothing works. The electricity's not on at all."
"What?!?"
Aoi fished his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing what Ruki soon realized was the electric company. He watched as Aoi at first tried to stay calm and reasonable, but quickly gave into the clipped, biting anger Ruki had on several occasions been on the receiving end of. After countless minutes of being passed from one person to the other, Aoi finally hung up, face red with anger.
"Well?"
Aoi slumped into one of their new kitchen chairs with an exasperated sigh.
"They screwed up," he said, crossing his arms over his narrow chest. "They didn't have us scheduled until tomorrow, and can't fit us in today."
Ruki pulled the other chair around, straddling it backward.
"So, no hot showers, lights or anything to keep our food from spoiling?" Aoi nodded and Ruki let his head fall forward on the chair back. "Perfect!"
Aoi nibbled on his lip ring, taking the small, twisted piece of metal into his mouth a moment, thinking.
"Well, I need to run by Kai's house anyway; I'm sure he'll let us stuff our food in his fridge until we get power." He checked his watch and stood. "Help me load everything that needs to be refrigerated back into the car before it gets dark and I'll go over there now."
---------------------------------------------------
Aoi unlocked the door and stepped inside, shrugging off his coat and shoes with a tired sigh. He leaned against the door, eye for a moment drifting closed, when he heard something that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.
"Uhn... yes... more...."
Aoi's eyes popped open, scanning the dark room until he noticed a tiny, flickering light coming from one of the bedrooms. He crept across the small living room and stopped before Ruki's room, the door only partially closed. A desperate gasp reached his ears and he found himself unable to resist, peeking his head inside.
The small room seemed to pulse with a warm, flickering glow. Ruki had found and unpacked several large candles, and matches, and had scattered them around his room to make up for their temporary light shortage. Ruki sat upon his bed, sheets twisted around his lean thighs folded underneath him, back partially turned away from the door.
With a groan, Ruki arched his back, one of his hands running down his flushed face and across his bare torso, absently pinching one pebbled nipple. His other hand moved quicker, pumping up and down on his stiff cock, each downward thrust producing a deep-throated grunt.
"More," Ruki moaned, breath catching in his throat, "harder... Aoi, please..."
Aoi sucked in his breath, never expecting to hear that from his friend's lips. As the young man on the bed writhed and gasped under his own touch, Aoi felt a stirring in his groin, though he tried for the life of him not to think about it, not entirely sure how he felt about all this. Still, he did not look away, only continued to watch as Ruki continued to pleasure himself.
Ruki suddenly threw back his head, mouth open wide, hips thrusting harshly into his hand as he came, a long, low hum resounding from deep in the back of his throat.
Aoi stepped away from the door, face a mixture of ten emotions at once as he listened to his friend pant and moan through his orgasm. He chewed on his lip, slowly mulling over what he'd just seen, or more important, heard. As the sounds from the other room began to quiet, a wide, impish grin spread across Aoi's face.
The electric company's done us a favor after all.
synopsis: Aoi and Ruki move in to a new apartment as roommates.
ratings/warnings: NC-17
entered in: category 1 & 2
this entry uses prompt 1: "The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you." - Woody Allen
dartboard: yes
concrit: 3
The hallway was quiet as two men stood outside the door, one holding a small silver key. He slid it easily into the lock and turned, the bolt sliding back with a satisfying click. The men exchanged excited glances as they walked into their new apartment.
Ruki stretched his arms above his head, a loud yawn echoing in the empty room as Aoi moved past him to pull up the old, worn window blinds and cracking open the window. The early morning felt warm and comforting, a slight breeze swirling his fine, jet-black hair around his face as he smiled thoughtfully.
"All right," Aoi said, spinning around to face his new flatmate. "Let's get moved in."
Aoi heaved the last box of random pots and pans onto the counter with a heavy sigh.
"You never did tell me how you found out about this place," Ruki said as he followed him into the kitchen, an open box of foodstuffs in his arms. "I don't think I even knew this place existed before you pointed it out."
Aoi wiped the sweat from his brow with one hand, leaning over the sink to open the tiny kitchen window with the other.
"My father knows one of the tenants here. When the one of his neighbors died and the place became available, he told me."
Ruki paused, hand on the door of the refrigerator. "The previous tenant died?"
Aoi nodded, still facing away. "Yeah, he was an old, sour bachelor who died alone in his sleep."
Ruki wrinkled his nose. "That's certainly a nice thought." He shifted the box in his arms a bit and opened the fridge. "Uh, Aoi?"
The taller man turned, eying Ruki over his shoulder.
Ruki closed the door, then opened it again. "The fridge isn't working."
Aoi frowned and joined Ruki in front of the fridge, his frown only deepening as he noticed that the light was indeed not on.
"Maybe the bulb's just gone out." Aoi reached up and opened the door to the small freezer compartment above and stuck his hand inside, to feel only warmth.
"Well, this isn't good," Ruki growled.
Aoi said nothing, leaving the room to wander the small apartment, flipping switches in every room. A few minutes later he returned to the kitchen. "Nothing works. The electricity's not on at all."
"What?!?"
Aoi fished his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing what Ruki soon realized was the electric company. He watched as Aoi at first tried to stay calm and reasonable, but quickly gave into the clipped, biting anger Ruki had on several occasions been on the receiving end of. After countless minutes of being passed from one person to the other, Aoi finally hung up, face red with anger.
"Well?"
Aoi slumped into one of their new kitchen chairs with an exasperated sigh.
"They screwed up," he said, crossing his arms over his narrow chest. "They didn't have us scheduled until tomorrow, and can't fit us in today."
Ruki pulled the other chair around, straddling it backward.
"So, no hot showers, lights or anything to keep our food from spoiling?" Aoi nodded and Ruki let his head fall forward on the chair back. "Perfect!"
Aoi nibbled on his lip ring, taking the small, twisted piece of metal into his mouth a moment, thinking.
"Well, I need to run by Kai's house anyway; I'm sure he'll let us stuff our food in his fridge until we get power." He checked his watch and stood. "Help me load everything that needs to be refrigerated back into the car before it gets dark and I'll go over there now."
Aoi unlocked the door and stepped inside, shrugging off his coat and shoes with a tired sigh. He leaned against the door, eye for a moment drifting closed, when he heard something that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.
"Uhn... yes... more...."
Aoi's eyes popped open, scanning the dark room until he noticed a tiny, flickering light coming from one of the bedrooms. He crept across the small living room and stopped before Ruki's room, the door only partially closed. A desperate gasp reached his ears and he found himself unable to resist, peeking his head inside.
The small room seemed to pulse with a warm, flickering glow. Ruki had found and unpacked several large candles, and matches, and had scattered them around his room to make up for their temporary light shortage. Ruki sat upon his bed, sheets twisted around his lean thighs folded underneath him, back partially turned away from the door.
With a groan, Ruki arched his back, one of his hands running down his flushed face and across his bare torso, absently pinching one pebbled nipple. His other hand moved quicker, pumping up and down on his stiff cock, each downward thrust producing a deep-throated grunt.
"More," Ruki moaned, breath catching in his throat, "harder... Aoi, please..."
Aoi sucked in his breath, never expecting to hear that from his friend's lips. As the young man on the bed writhed and gasped under his own touch, Aoi felt a stirring in his groin, though he tried for the life of him not to think about it, not entirely sure how he felt about all this. Still, he did not look away, only continued to watch as Ruki continued to pleasure himself.
Ruki suddenly threw back his head, mouth open wide, hips thrusting harshly into his hand as he came, a long, low hum resounding from deep in the back of his throat.
Aoi stepped away from the door, face a mixture of ten emotions at once as he listened to his friend pant and moan through his orgasm. He chewed on his lip, slowly mulling over what he'd just seen, or more important, heard. As the sounds from the other room began to quiet, a wide, impish grin spread across Aoi's face.
The electric company's done us a favor after all.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 10:11 pm (UTC)Mechanics and style: 31
Nothing to complain about the grammar, conversations and such spaced out pretty nicely and easy on the eyes.
Descriptions, although a bit sparse, were done well and were nicely detailed. So points for that, as well.
Dart 2 (Red) ~~ worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness: 20
To be honest, the whole moving in -theme in itself isn't perhaps the most interesting one could choose.
The flow was nice until the last part, which I found didn't really seem to fit in to the rest of the story. It was like, Aoi and Ruki went from plain friends/flat mates to.. Ruki jerking off and fantasizing about Aoi? It felt way too abrupt, at least I would've liked to see more introduction and insights to Ruki's point of view. Sex is fine, it's just better if it has some base (not saying anything about PWPs because this is not one, and all in all they're a completely different matter).
Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~ worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable: 25
Aoi struck me really nicely in this story. He's got the sort of serious, aloof act that I usually like with him. Ruki.. is a bit more difficult to say, since there wasn't that much about him.. But, his behaviour, way of speaking and such felt very fitting, so no bad words about him either.
Personal board:
+1 for neat grammar.
+2 for informative&visual descriptions.
-5 for the unfortunate ending that left me kinda cold.
[Iyaa~ I feel like such a bitch! ><]
no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 02:56 am (UTC)You need to decide whose POV you want to write this in. It switches back and forth several times.
The hallway was quiet as two men stood outside the door, one holding a small silver key. He slid it easily into the lock and turned, the bolt sliding back with a satisfying click. The men exchanged excited glances as they walked into their new apartment.
This could be anyone, anywhere. It's vague and uninteresting because it's "two men," nothing detailed or distinguishing about them. The next paragraph pulls in names and description, but it's too late.
face a mixture of ten emotions at once
Think about that.
I think this could be good if you made the end fit and stripped it down to something sharper. If you have it in Ruki's POV through where Aoi leaves, then you can lay the groundwork for the end; since Ruki wants Aoi so badly as to jerk off to him at the end, he will have been noticing small things in a sexual way throughout. Alternately, keep it in Aoi's POV for the entire fic and put in visual cues that will imply to the reader that Ruki wants him. He can be oblivious and we'll still pick up on it. We're slashers, after all. *grins*