contest entry: Dream Catcher by Dorothy Parker

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entry #05, Dream Catcher by Dorothy Parker

synopsis: Much as Shou tries to ignore the hecklers, they take their toll on him.
ratings/warnings: PG/none
entered in: categories 1, 2 & 3
this entry uses prompt 4: nightmares, snowglobe, hands
concrit: 3
dartboard: yes






*****************


"It's not enough and you know it..."

"But they try so hard!"



Darkness.



"Look! The crowds love them.''



Doubt.



"Try acting your age for once, Shou! Think about other people's needs before your own."

"I'm doing the best I can..."



Fear.



"But sometimes it's not enough, will never be enough..."



All-consuming guilt.



"What on earth were you thinking?! Have you finally lost your senses?"



It takes hold of you...



"They expect too much of me. I'm not that easy of a person."



...and never lets go...



"Bands come and go every day. We'll just have to see about this one."



... until everything is broken and left to rot.



*****************



Shou bolted upright in bed, heart racing, lungs straining to take in a gulp of air. Beads of sweat cooled on his brow and chest, sending shivers through his naked body as his eyes, wide and wild, searched the dark room around him. But he could see nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that should instill such fear in his heart. He carefully uncurled aching fingers from their death grip around the tangled sheets and threw his feet over the edge of the bed. With a backward glance at the still-sleeping figure at his side, he grabbed his robe and stumbled out of the bedroom.

The last vestiges of his chaotic dream drifted through his groggy mind as he padded barefoot through the tiny living room, flopping into the armchair and draping himself over the back, head resting on his arms, pale legs folded underneath. He turned his eyes toward the window, bright stars peeking through the calm night sky, bathing his troubled face in a cool blue glow. Something caught his attention.

A small snowglobe, only about the size of his hand, sat perched on the windowsill, its wintry scene trapped in the cold stillness of time. Flashes of his nightmare filtered through his mind and his hand paused centimeters from the globe's unmarred surface.


"Maybe you should just... give up..."


He suddenly felt very cold and trapped, as if all the air had left the room.


"...too much strain on your voice. It will never get better..."


He took a deep, noisy breath and lurched forward, picking up the trinket and turning it in his hands. A flurry of fake sparkly snow erupted inside, temporarily obscuring the serene winter scene. He stared at it until the white flakes settled once more to the bottom, then returned the curious object to its resting place.

Two hands lighted on his shoulders, the touch gentle but unexpected, and Shou jumped, startled. He turned in his chair to see the intruder. By the dark-painted nails and long, elegant fingers it could only be one person and he relaxed, those familar hands slowly massaging his stiff shoulders. With a tired sigh, Shou leaned back into the comforting touch, eyes drifting closed.

"Did I wake you?"

Tora shrugged, his thumbs kneading away the knots just under Shou's skin.

"You cried out more than once," he said, voice soft. "That must have been some dream."

Shou sighed, his mind fighting to remember images and feelings he'd rather not relive. "I'd just as soon forget it," he murmured, head rolling forward until his forehead rested on the back of the recliner.

Tora eased Shou's bathrobe off his shoulders, letting it pool around his narrow waist, then moved his hands down Shou's bare back, following his probing fingers with soft kisses.

"Don't let the stress get to you," he murmured against the vocalist's skin, licking a trail along his spine. "It's not like you to worry so much. Maybe that's why you keep having these nightmares." He straightened up, nuzzling Shou's neck. "Leave the worrying to Nao, he likes it."

Shou said nothing, only enjoyed the feel of Tora's strong, gentle hands on him, easing the tension from his body until he was completely relaxed, slumped against the chair. Just as he was about to fall completely asleep, he felt strong arms nudge him sideways as Tora crawled into the chair with him, pulling Shou into his lap. He let himself be cradled in his lover's arms, head resting just below Tora's chin, lean arms encircling his waist in a loose, comfortable embrace.

"Rest now," Tora whispered, placing a kiss on Shou's soft head. "I'll keep the nightmares away."

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~ worth up to 35 points.
Mechanics and style: 30
These are flawless. Excellent grammar, spelling and flow. Doesn't have any identifiable trace of the author, given that it is entered in category 3.

Dart 2 (Red) ~~ worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness: 25

Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~ worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable: 23

Personal Board: +7

Others:

Prompt 4 is nightmares, snowglobe, hands. All of them have been woven in nicely. I understand that the prompts say that these things do not necessarily have to have meaning within the fic, that just the presence of them is enough, however, I'd say that it would be more satisfying if they could tie in somehow. Let me try to explain what I mean.

When I read "But he could see nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that should instill such fear in his heart.",

then "Something caught his attention.",

and then "A small snowglobe, only about the size of his hand, sat perched on the windowsill, its wintry scene trapped in the cold stillness of time. Flashes of his nightmare filtered through his mind and his hand paused centimeters from the globe's unmarred surface.[ ... ] He suddenly felt very cold and trapped, as if all the air had left the room.", I feel like the author is trying to make a connection between the nightmare and the snowglobe, but it's not quite there yet. I then look at the title, and wonder if the snowglobe is the dream catcher, or maybe Tora?

Perhaps instead of writing "Flashes of his nightmare filtered through his mind and his hand paused centimeters from the globe's unmarred surface.", it could be more powerful if the flashes of the nightmare were shown, then interwoven with specifics of the globe? Just a suggestion.

The characterization is not very strong in this piece, the only sense of it I get is from where Tora says, "Don't let the stress get to you," he murmured against the vocalist's skin, licking a trail along his spine. "It's not like you to worry so much. Maybe that's why you keep having these nightmares." He straightened up, nuzzling Shou's neck. "Leave the worrying to Nao, he likes it." and in the nightmare where one of the hecklers taunt him with "Try acting your age for once, Shou! Think about other people's needs before your own."

The rest of it (the nightmare as well) could be replaced by another band with another couple and still work reasonably well. Are there any specifics or particular details about Alice9 (as opposed to other bands) and Tora/Saga (as opposed to other couples) that could be used to the author's advantage? Just my personal opinion, which could also be in error. It is offered only as a concrit and hopefully is not offensive.

That said, however, the banter is light and realistic. The rhythm of speech is nice. Not exaggerated or unreal in any way. It was a pleasure to read.

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1 (Blue)
Mechanics and style
26/35

Dart 2 (Red)
Storytelling and effectiveness
25/35

Dart 3 (Yellow)
Characterization and dialogue
20/30


Shou bolted upright in bed Something about that... it doesn't sound right. Sat bolt upright? Bolted out of sleep... hmm.

nothing that should instill such fear in his heart
Stilted.

With a backward glance at the still-sleeping figure at his side
If he's taking a backward glance, the person's not at his side.

The last vestiges of his chaotic dream drifted through
I think you wanted something more smoke or cloudlike than "vestiges" here.

flopping into the armchair and draping himself over the back
This is awkward. When you start with "flopping into the armchair," there's an automatic image in mind of doing so the normal way. It's hard to "flop" forward into it... I suppose perhaps you meant that he flopped down, and then picked himself up/twisted/curled his legs around or sat on his knees to turn to the back of it? That takes more than "draping himself over the back," so that part is confusing.

He turned his eyes toward the window, bright stars peeking through the calm night sky, bathing his troubled face in a cool blue glow.
This should be two sentences... it doesn't work between the first section and the second, especially with only a comma. "Bright stars peeked through the night sky, bathing his troubled face in a cool glow." If he can see the stars clearly, we already know it's a calm sky. Also, if the light is bathing his face, he must be very close to the window - pressed up against it, almost. That isn't conveyed in "He turned his eyes toward the window."

As the previous person said, more use of the snowglobe would have been nice. The way I've always interpreted "present in the construction of meaning within the fic" is that the objects/words don't have to be present, only their impact, and it doesn't have to be deep/profound (thus "not that meaning is required, only presence"), but an image/feeling/flavor/something of each of the pieces of the prompt should be present in the course of the fic. Which opens it up a lot at the same time as making it a challenge; to throw a random snowglobe on a windowsill and not integrate it into the imagery is easy, but creating the feeling of being in it or a connection between the character's situation and the object in his hands without having him think something like, "I am that snowman, this plastic is..." takes thought and work.

Something to the nightmare flashes beyond dialogue would have been a help.

"trinket" - no.

fake sparkly snow We know it's fake. It's a snowglobe. You would have been better off saying "a flurry of sparkles," because it provides the image of snow at the same time as what's really there. And, white flakes - I thought it was the sort with glitter? Is there both? Is it iridescent white glitter?

the touch gentle but unexpected, and Shou jumped, startled
Either cut out "but unexpected" or "startled," because with one, we know the other.

he relaxed, those familar hands slowly massaging his stiff shoulders
Again, redundant. You just said that he recognized the person by their hands; you don't have to tell us again that they're familiar. Cut "stiff" also, for less clunk.

Shou leaned back into the comforting touch,
Lame. Also, if Shou leans into the hands and his eyes drift closed, isn't that a clear indication of the touch being a comfort to him?

he was completely relaxed, slumped against the chair. Just as he was about to fall completely asleep,
Completely, completely. In the first one, you can cut that to "until he was slumped against the chair" or the like, because that tells us he IS completely relaxed at that point. The second, you could change to "Near sleep," or something along those lines. More effective with the same meaning.

lean arms encircling his waist in a loose, comfortable embrace.
Cut an adjective.

Sweet Tora. *smiles*

I like the fic. If you strip out the unnecessary and lame, make the nightmares/troubledness more vivid, and strengthen the characterization in general, it would be much better.