A lot of care and love has obviously been put into this fic. It gives the impression of being an autobiography.
When I first read it (I read it several more times trying to consider what I would say), I felt like I was being pulled in several directions. The synopsis is right on the mark at describing it. I'm of two minds about this. On one hand, I think that the fic would be more compelling and more readable if the author gave one strand of plot or one particular theme precedence over the others, so there was something more driving the fic than the sequential narration.
On the other hand, read like that, I just feel like I'm listening to a continuous bassline because all the details have equal weight, as it's really dense with them, and it does give me the feeling of hide's state of mind, that state of dull depression. So it works too, as atmosphere. There's really a lot to take in in this fic.
Some random things: At that moment Yoshiki looked more adorable than the fluffiest of little kittens but at the same time Hide's eyes had themselves fixed on those lips and on the muscles straining in Yoshiki's arms as he kept drumming on the closest tom, and something just snapped in his head, that was the only way he could describe it to himself. He had this overwhelming desire to lay a long hard crazy kiss on this gorgeous man-woman-drummer-creature laying there flirting up at him, and you know what, he nearly fucking did it, too.
The fluffy little kitten analogy is a bit incongruous. I feel it interferes with the sexual mood. Is there another way to show adorable that adds to the mood instead? It is also a really long phrase, which makes the sentence draggy.
There are things that I feel are redundant in this paragraph. I've tried to show what I mean below. I feel that there's a fair bit of this in the fic, and it would make the fic more powerful & precise if they were cut out.
At that moment Yoshiki looked more adorable than the fluffiest of little kittens [?I am not sure what else that could be used in place of this] but at the same time Hide's eyes had themselves fixed on those lips and on the muscles straining in Yoshiki's arms as he kept drumming on the closest tom, and something just snapped in his head, that was the only way he could describe it to himself. He had this [an?] overwhelming desire to lay a long hard crazy kiss on this gorgeous man-woman-drummer-creature laying [lying!] there flirting up at him, and you know what, he nearly fucking did it, too.
The 'laying' thing is something that occurs frequently in many fics I read but I am unsure why. From dictionary.com: Lay and lie are often confused. Lay is most commonly a transitive verb and takes an object. Its forms are regular. If “place” or “put” can be substituted in a sentence, a form of lay is called for: Lay the folders on the desk. Lie, with the overall senses “to be in a horizontal position, recline” and “to rest, remain, be situated, etc.,” is intransitive and takes no object. (see http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/laying )
That said, I appreciated the last part of the fic most.
No more song pulsing from the speakers in arches of Rainbow, version Sad. He stopped suddenly, cocked his head sideways and...
...listened for the ebb and flow of fuschia breath, and did not...
...see...
...it?
The towel dropped from slack fingers and he ran for the living room.
This, and everything in a similar vein, was a wonderfully unique way of presenting the situation. It was strange, novel, and sad all at once. I felt like the author had really hit his/her stride here, and everything came together beautifully and the fic hit a high. (Is this a pun? I'm sorry!)
no subject
When I first read it (I read it several more times trying to consider what I would say), I felt like I was being pulled in several directions. The synopsis is right on the mark at describing it. I'm of two minds about this. On one hand, I think that the fic would be more compelling and more readable if the author gave one strand of plot or one particular theme precedence over the others, so there was something more driving the fic than the sequential narration.
On the other hand, read like that, I just feel like I'm listening to a continuous bassline because all the details have equal weight, as it's really dense with them, and it does give me the feeling of hide's state of mind, that state of dull depression. So it works too, as atmosphere. There's really a lot to take in in this fic.
Some random things:
At that moment Yoshiki looked more adorable than the fluffiest of little kittens but at the same time Hide's eyes had themselves fixed on those lips and on the muscles straining in Yoshiki's arms as he kept drumming on the closest tom, and something just snapped in his head, that was the only way he could describe it to himself. He had this overwhelming desire to lay a long hard crazy kiss on this gorgeous man-woman-drummer-creature laying there flirting up at him, and you know what, he nearly fucking did it, too.
The fluffy little kitten analogy is a bit incongruous. I feel it interferes with the sexual mood. Is there another way to show adorable that adds to the mood instead? It is also a really long phrase, which makes the sentence draggy.
There are things that I feel are redundant in this paragraph. I've tried to show what I mean below. I feel that there's a fair bit of this in the fic, and it would make the fic more powerful & precise if they were cut out.
At that moment Yoshiki looked more adorable than the fluffiest of little kittens [?I am not sure what else that could be used in place of this] but
at the same timeHide's eyes had themselves fixed on those lips and on the muscles straining in Yoshiki's arms as he kept drumming on the closest tom, and something just snapped in his head,that was the only way he could describe it to himself.He had this [an?] overwhelming desire to lay a long hard crazy kiss on this gorgeous man-woman-drummer-creature laying [lying!] there flirting up at him, andyou know what,he nearly fucking did it, too.The 'laying' thing is something that occurs frequently in many fics I read but I am unsure why. From dictionary.com: Lay and lie are often confused. Lay is most commonly a transitive verb and takes an object. Its forms are regular. If “place” or “put” can be substituted in a sentence, a form of lay is called for: Lay the folders on the desk. Lie, with the overall senses “to be in a horizontal position, recline” and “to rest, remain, be situated, etc.,” is intransitive and takes no object. (see http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/laying )
That said, I appreciated the last part of the fic most.
No more song pulsing from the speakers in arches of Rainbow, version Sad. He stopped suddenly, cocked his head sideways and...
...listened for the ebb and flow of fuschia breath, and did not...
...see...
...it?
The towel dropped from slack fingers and he ran for the living room.
This, and everything in a similar vein, was a wonderfully unique way of presenting the situation. It was strange, novel, and sad all at once. I felt like the author had really hit his/her stride here, and everything came together beautifully and the fic hit a high. (Is this a pun? I'm sorry!)
My apologies about not dartboarding.