Dart 1/Blue: 27/35 Mechanics and Style: Mostly fine. There`s some redundancy, and a tendency for the non-dialogue to be too expository.
Hiroto mumbled, turning away abruptly to hide his sudden blush. "Abruptly" and "sudden" together makes the sentence seem neither.
Hiroto protested, though every possible physical cue in his stance said otherwise. He really hated being a terrible liar. Elaborating on those physical cues would be more effective. Do his fingers twitch, is he avoiding eye contact, etc.
Dart 2/Red: 20/35 Storytelling and Effectiveness: I wanted to make these comments together with the next section.
Dart 3/Yellow: 20/30 Characterization and Dialogue: The dialogue has decent flow. Characterization is okay, but I`m not sure I buy Aki making out with someone in a public bar, no matter how drunk he is. Highly subjective, but especially given how tentative he is to actually tell Tora what the hell`s going on in episode 25, it doesn`t quite fit. He only tells Tora at the very end that "this was supposed to be like `Honey Coming[, an insanely popular dating show].`" It`s obvious that it`s a date pretty much from the beginning, and just as obvious that it follows the hanikami style, but he only states it at the end.
In this fic, a lot of conflict is set up - Saga`s anger, Hiroto`s attachment, Tora`s denial - that fizzes out with no tension. Saga seems to be angry that Hiroto`s getting hurt by Tora, but Hiroto deals no problem. That`s nice, but the lack of actual tension makes Saga seem whiny instead of justifiably annoyed.
Tora, although the focus of the fic, turns out the least defined. He`s presented as being in denial, but there`s no indication of why. If he`s not yet comfortable with the designation himself, why is he more upset by the thought of Saga following him than by the photo evidence of himself in a compromising situation that contradicts his conception of self? If he thinks Saga and Nao are having some kind of sexual relationship, and that Shou and Hiroto`s fanservice is more than show, why would he have any reservations about coming out to the band? Clarifying why Tora is "hiding" would establish if his own tension is internal or external, and help the overall atmosphere of the fic.
I think the main problem with this fic is the title. "Surface tension" is what keeps (liquid) things clinging together up until the absolute limit - there`s a lot of intensity in the idea that just isn`t followed through in the body of the fic. To, um, pun? it a bit, yes, the interaction seems to follow more of an idea of tension on the surface, ie. shallow or artificial, but in this case, the title sets up false expectations, which may be why some readers find the fic unfulfilling and uninteresting. The weakness of the introduction also leaves it unclear which reading was intended to guide the fic. Building up the intro will be a better guide for the reader than just the title.
Bonus: +1 for cuteness of bitchy!icecreameating!Saga image.
If this isn`t in line with a concrit level of "2," then, err, oops? My only intent is to give you something you can use!
no subject
Mechanics and Style: Mostly fine. There`s some redundancy, and a tendency for the non-dialogue to be too expository.
Hiroto mumbled, turning away abruptly to hide his sudden blush.
"Abruptly" and "sudden" together makes the sentence seem neither.
Hiroto protested, though every possible physical cue in his stance said otherwise. He really hated being a terrible liar.
Elaborating on those physical cues would be more effective. Do his fingers twitch, is he avoiding eye contact, etc.
Dart 2/Red: 20/35
Storytelling and Effectiveness: I wanted to make these comments together with the next section.
Dart 3/Yellow: 20/30
Characterization and Dialogue: The dialogue has decent flow. Characterization is okay, but I`m not sure I buy Aki making out with someone in a public bar, no matter how drunk he is. Highly subjective, but especially given how tentative he is to actually tell Tora what the hell`s going on in episode 25, it doesn`t quite fit. He only tells Tora at the very end that "this was supposed to be like `Honey Coming[, an insanely popular dating show].`" It`s obvious that it`s a date pretty much from the beginning, and just as obvious that it follows the hanikami style, but he only states it at the end.
In this fic, a lot of conflict is set up - Saga`s anger, Hiroto`s attachment, Tora`s denial - that fizzes out with no tension. Saga seems to be angry that Hiroto`s getting hurt by Tora, but Hiroto deals no problem. That`s nice, but the lack of actual tension makes Saga seem whiny instead of justifiably annoyed.
Tora, although the focus of the fic, turns out the least defined. He`s presented as being in denial, but there`s no indication of why. If he`s not yet comfortable with the designation himself, why is he more upset by the thought of Saga following him than by the photo evidence of himself in a compromising situation that contradicts his conception of self? If he thinks Saga and Nao are having some kind of sexual relationship, and that Shou and Hiroto`s fanservice is more than show, why would he have any reservations about coming out to the band? Clarifying why Tora is "hiding" would establish if his own tension is internal or external, and help the overall atmosphere of the fic.
I think the main problem with this fic is the title. "Surface tension" is what keeps (liquid) things clinging together up until the absolute limit - there`s a lot of intensity in the idea that just isn`t followed through in the body of the fic. To, um, pun? it a bit, yes, the interaction seems to follow more of an idea of tension on the surface, ie. shallow or artificial, but in this case, the title sets up false expectations, which may be why some readers find the fic unfulfilling and uninteresting. The weakness of the introduction also leaves it unclear which reading was intended to guide the fic. Building up the intro will be a better guide for the reader than just the title.
Bonus: +1 for cuteness of bitchy!icecreameating!Saga image.
If this isn`t in line with a concrit level of "2," then, err, oops? My only intent is to give you something you can use!