Dart 1 (Blue)~~worth up to 35 points Mechanics and Style 25
Practice had been normal up until the end, though Saga had seemed to be in an irritable mood throughout. Thinking nothing of it, Tora had made some comment about having plans later on, and the next thing he knew, Saga stormed off in a huff, slamming the door. Tora blinked and stared at the door Saga had just exited through, a confused look on his face. "What's gotten into him?" he asked to no one in particular.
The quoted above is all back story, pretty much, leading into mostly dialogue from here on out, and makes this fic sound like it was a small piece pulled from a much larger one, like all of us are just now stumbling across a chapter, not having read any of the previous parts. The rest was fine, considering there was so much dialogue and not much action. No grammar or spelling errors that I noticed.
Dart 2 (Red)~~worth up to 35 points Storytelling and effectiveness 20
If the point was for Saga to be upset about what Akiya was doing, leading poor Hiroto on in some way, it would have been better explained in the beginning, or at least shown a little. The overall leads the reader to believe that everyone is confused and that no one really knows anything about the other. Hiroto is a ball of nervousness, though we have no idea why, and Saga, who thinks he knows, is left confused as well. It makes for that whole exchange until you get to the Akiya phone call kind of... unsatisfying. We got the idea... sort of. If the characters are still confused, how can we be expected to sort it all out?
Dart 3 (Yellow)~~worth up to 30 points Characterization, and dialogue if applicable 15
Characterization is a highly subjectable thing, but most people have a general understanding of certain people, according to the public image they portray and what little of their private lives they are willing to share. Saying that, I really can't say that the characterization was off necessarily, just that it seemed... overdone. Blown up. Hiroto can be fidgety, yes, but damn, he'd either had way too much coffee or not enough. And shy? O.o hhmmm... He's such a powerhouse of energy and testosterone stuffed into that little body! Not that he's always hyper, but still... Nao seemed quite clumsy, though I'm not sure where that came from. Saga was being quite over-dramatic and nosy, and Tora... clueless like WOAH. Though, really, I'm still confused as to whether he was supposed to be clueless because, was Hiroto really jealous over him and Akiya?? Or... what? There just didn't seem to be much point in his actions.
Bonus -4 for actions that seem a little too out of character +1 for AkiyaxTora -8 for confusion on all parts.
Overall, I'm not sure what the whole point was to the fic. It seems that Tora and Akiya are kinds/sorta together in the end, though really more as 'close friends' edging maybe toward something more.
no subject
Mechanics and Style 25
Practice had been normal up until the end, though Saga had seemed to be in an irritable mood throughout. Thinking nothing of it, Tora had made some comment about having plans later on, and the next thing he knew, Saga stormed off in a huff, slamming the door. Tora blinked and stared at the door Saga had just exited through, a confused look on his face. "What's gotten into him?" he asked to no one in particular.
The quoted above is all back story, pretty much, leading into mostly dialogue from here on out, and makes this fic sound like it was a small piece pulled from a much larger one, like all of us are just now stumbling across a chapter, not having read any of the previous parts.
The rest was fine, considering there was so much dialogue and not much action.
No grammar or spelling errors that I noticed.
Dart 2 (Red) ~~worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness 20
If the point was for Saga to be upset about what Akiya was doing, leading poor Hiroto on in some way, it would have been better explained in the beginning, or at least shown a little. The overall leads the reader to believe that everyone is confused and that no one really knows anything about the other. Hiroto is a ball of nervousness, though we have no idea why, and Saga, who thinks he knows, is left confused as well. It makes for that whole exchange until you get to the Akiya phone call kind of... unsatisfying. We got the idea... sort of. If the characters are still confused, how can we be expected to sort it all out?
Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable 15
Characterization is a highly subjectable thing, but most people have a general understanding of certain people, according to the public image they portray and what little of their private lives they are willing to share. Saying that, I really can't say that the characterization was off necessarily, just that it seemed... overdone. Blown up. Hiroto can be fidgety, yes, but damn, he'd either had way too much coffee or not enough. And shy? O.o hhmmm... He's such a powerhouse of energy and testosterone stuffed into that little body! Not that he's always hyper, but still... Nao seemed quite clumsy, though I'm not sure where that came from. Saga was being quite over-dramatic and nosy, and Tora... clueless like WOAH. Though, really, I'm still confused as to whether he was supposed to be clueless because, was Hiroto really jealous over him and Akiya?? Or... what? There just didn't seem to be much point in his actions.
Bonus
-4 for actions that seem a little too out of character
+1 for AkiyaxTora
-8 for confusion on all parts.
Overall, I'm not sure what the whole point was to the fic. It seems that Tora and Akiya are kinds/sorta together in the end, though really more as 'close friends' edging maybe toward something more.