contest entry: Moving On by Davy Crockett

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entry #13, Moving On by Davy Crockett

synopsis: La'cryma Christi. As hard as change can be, sometime you just have to deal with it and move on.
ratings/warnings: PG
entered in: category 1 & 2
this entry uses prompt 2:
Nan no mama
nokoru ha mo nashi
aki no kaze
When autumn winds blow
not one leaf remains
the way it was.
-- Togyu

dartboard: yes
concrit: 3










Long, thin fingers flew over the keyboard, dark eyes fixed on the screen before him. He paused, one hand moving to the mouse and opening a folder he'd uploaded pictures to only a few minutes before.

A small Instant Message screen popped up, blinking for attention.

Whatcha up to?

Hiro smiled, recognizing the username.

Blogging, uploading a pic from practice the other day.

You've been blogging less often lately, Taka typed. Have you decided whether you'll keep the blog on our website, or move to another?

I don't know, he replied. It's just... sometimes it's hard to blog there.

Why?

Hiro paused, fingers tapping the keyboard a moment before answering.

Because I already miss La'cryma. It's silly, we haven't yet officially disbanded, but I feel the loss...

Three's nothing silly about missing the band, his friend typed. La'cryma's been our way of life for a long time. We'll all miss it when it's gone.

Remind me again why we're disbanding?

It took nearly a full minute for Taka to respond.

You know it's time to move on.

Hiro sighed heavily, trying to ignore the stinging behind his eyes.

I know, he typed. But... I can't help but wonder if we're making a mistake. That we don't really have to do this, let everything change.

Nothing ever stays the same forever, Taka said. No one can stop change, any more than they can stop the leaves from turning gold in autumn, or the wind from blowing. It's just the natural order of things.

Hiro drew one leg up into his chair, chin resting on his knee.

I'm going to miss you.

Hahahaha, came Taka's reply. We're best friends, Hiro. I'm not going anywhere, and neither are the others... he paused. But I understand. It won't be the same as it has been all these years. We won't be hanging out every single day, arguing about music and lyrics, yelling at Levin to calm down long enough to record one more song.

Hiro chuckled, then continued reading.

Eventually we'll all move on to other bands and perhaps not have enough time to hang out or talk every day.

Hiro frowned, fingers flying over the keys. I don't want that to happen.

But having said that, remember, we always have the internet! a silly smiley popped up. Even when we're tired or stressed or just too busy, we can always leave each other messages.

It's not the same.

No, no it's not, Taka agreed. But at least it's something.

Another minute crawled by, neither one of them knowing what to say next. Hiro sniffed loudly, feeling a tickle down his cheek. He started to brush it aside when he realized it was a single fat tear. He wiped it away fiercely, glad for the moment that his friend was a town away so he wouldn't see him cry over such a stupid thing. He took a deep breath, hands poised over the keyboard, but Taka seemed to have beat him to it.

I'm going to miss you too, Hiro.

Hiro chuckled ruefully. Best friends, remember? He fingered the cross around his neck, the one Taka had given him.

Of course, Taka typed. No matter what, we'll always have that.

Hiro sighed, brushing shoulder-length hair from his neck.

Maybe you were right.

Oh?

Nothing in this world ever stays the same. Perhaps there's something far better for all of us, waiting just around the corner.

There was another pause.

It's been fun, Hiro.

Hiro sat back, eyes sad but lips curving in a smile.

"Yes," he murmured, "it has."

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Dart 1 (Blue) ~~ worth up to 35 points.
Mechanics and style. 32

Everything's good, plus the conversation sounds natural and unaffected.

Dart 2 (Red) ~~ worth up to 35 points
Storytelling and effectiveness. 30

Effective for what it is, as a vignette for a prompt rather than a long fic with a plot.

Dart 3 (Yellow) ~~ worth up to 30 points
Characterization, and dialogue if applicable. 25

I like the little details in this. It's insightful, but not weighty -- in that disbanding is a major change in everyday life for those involved, but not the end of the world misery sort of thing. I also enjoy that it's hopeful -- "Nothing in this world ever stays the same. Perhaps there's something far better for all of us, waiting just around the corner." -- this is a different sort of take on the prompt. The end was both happy and sad and made me smile.

The sideways stepping about the consequences of disbanding were balanced nicely and neither flippant nor angsty. It worked. I like that everything was summed up nicely in the end with that one statement, "It's been fun".

Nothing ever stays the same forever, Taka said. No one can stop change, any more than they can stop the leaves from turning gold in autumn, or the wind from blowing. It's just the natural order of things.
Nice insertion of the prompt here. I see it as something Taka would say. He does say sometimes say things that'd sooner as belong in books -- maybe that's why he used to get along real well with Gackt. :P On the other hand, he can do a 180 the next minute and come up with something really random and silly, so props for the stupid smiley. :D

I don't mind Hiro crying over this, even though if not done right it could have been a bit overly sentimental/tacky. It was fine in this fic. It's something he would do, I think, given he cried at the end of a tour once.

Personal Board: +9

[(Anonymous)]

At first I assumed you were going for the form prompt due to the large amount of dialogue but the large proportion of dialogue worked anyway. No dartboarding from me but I thought it'd be nice to leave something anyway.

There are a lot of nice touches to this: "a silly smiley popped up" is a good example. The mood of the fic was consistent too and it worked. Sad but managing not to be depressing through to its light touches and the insistence of a continuing friendship.

Prompt insertation was smooth and it didn't stick out like a sore thumb - which has to be a plus. Although, on that note the conversation wasn't all that messenger-esque, it was plausible - because I'm sure conversations like that are had - but I think it might have benefited from one or two more obvious messenger/internet features. (Typos? Or mentions of checking email or something whilst waiting for a reply?) I can see it might end up a bit overdone that way though but you wanted concrit so I thought I should offer something. Who cares if it's fairly rubbish and wishy-washy as concrit goes?

So, despite my not-so-good concrit, I liked this fic. It was a nice idea and well executed. *insert silly smiley here*

[(Anonymous)]

On the positive side the spelling, grammar and general syntax are fine. I can see a clear and coherent structure. It is coherent and easy to read. The situation and quote were a very good match.

I don't know if you really wanted level 3 concrit. I have to warn you that I'm being very frank here, and that I am a very critical reader, and speaking about the writing, not the audience (i.e. whether people could read this and enjoy it).

Concrit: too short (more of a drabble than a fic), way too cliched, use of instant messaging really doesn't make it a fun read (if you're going to use something like this you have to pull it off...to be fair, I've never really seen IM pulled off well. I've seen it pulled off far more interestingly than this though.), total lack of any characterization...I feel like I'm reading a scene from a soap opera, sorry.

You needed to dig deeper, be more original, be more real, you needed to connect with the situation and those involved, or how can the reader hope to???

[(Anonymous)]

This is unreadable.

I second the comment directly above.