We now join a random smut scene, already in progress...
thrust sending shockwaves of electricity and fire through his system Shockwaves. Electricity. Fire. System. These words give related images, and this many in close order are overkill. Use something other than system and choose one of the others.
tired, euphoric heap Choose one.
soft, pliant lips Same.
shrill and unwelcome We know it's unwelcome; "shrill" suffices to let us know if we didn't already think so.
"Moshi moshi," They're speaking Japanese and are in Japan throughout the fic, aren't they? You're using English for everything else, use it for this also. If it's a complex concept or a nickname that would take far too many words in English, then use Japanese, but it's unnecessary here.
the older man said, distracted, people yelling and computer keys clicking furiously in the background, Whose POV are we in here? Jui's, aren't we? That line shifts to the father's POV with "distracted." To Jui, he would sound or seem distracted. But you don't even need to say that, because the scatteredness of what he's saying and the noise behind him suffice.
Beyond that, I second everything the previous commenter said.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2007-01-22 02:10 am (UTC)thrust sending shockwaves of electricity and fire through his system
Shockwaves. Electricity. Fire. System. These words give related images, and this many in close order are overkill. Use something other than system and choose one of the others.
tired, euphoric heap
Choose one.
soft, pliant lips
Same.
shrill and unwelcome
We know it's unwelcome; "shrill" suffices to let us know if we didn't already think so.
"Moshi moshi,"
They're speaking Japanese and are in Japan throughout the fic, aren't they? You're using English for everything else, use it for this also. If it's a complex concept or a nickname that would take far too many words in English, then use Japanese, but it's unnecessary here.
the older man said, distracted, people yelling and computer keys clicking furiously in the background,
Whose POV are we in here? Jui's, aren't we? That line shifts to the father's POV with "distracted." To Jui, he would sound or seem distracted. But you don't even need to say that, because the scatteredness of what he's saying and the noise behind him suffice.
Beyond that, I second everything the previous commenter said.